


i'm sorry, fuck

by CookieMonstersRUs



Series: fuck, I love you, I love you [8]
Category: The Boys (TV 2019)
Genre: Alcohol, Alcoholism, Angst, Angst and Feels, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Murder, Loss, Past Character Death, Pre-Relationship, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Widowed, find HAPPINESS, goddammit butcher, please, upsetting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-16
Updated: 2019-08-16
Packaged: 2020-09-01 20:00:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20263714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CookieMonstersRUs/pseuds/CookieMonstersRUs
Summary: Butcher, three glasses in and too many memories to breathe.





	i'm sorry, fuck

**Author's Note:**

> sorry to ruin the happiness of the last fic, but this was needed to be seen

There was a box underneath his bed that Butcher didn’t like to open often. It was too painful to open the lid. It was too painful to look inside. It was too painful to hold the photos, the scraps of memories, his old life. After all this time, he still couldn’t look at the photos without feeling bludgeoned to death. It may have been years, but Butcher hadn’t been able to move on.

He promised himself, the moment she had disappeared, that he would never move on until he knew what had happened to her. And then that bastard left her skull in his mail and Butcher had his answer. She really was dead. Then he promised himself he would never move on until he brought that bastard to his knees and made him pay for his sins.

So what if Butcher took a boy with long legs and curly hair home and fucked him in the mattress. It didn’t mean anything. Not when Becca’s killer was still out there, still in his high office smug as ever and untouched by justice. Butcher wouldn’t move on, couldn’t move on, until he did what he should’ve done years ago.

He held her ring in his fingers. The bourbon made things easier. He remembered giving her that ring. He’d taken her to a lake in Maine, where she’d grown up, got down on one knee and asked her to marry him. She had said yes. They had been happy. They had been in love. Butcher had been a better man then, a happier one too. Now he was broken, a mess, numb to all the happiness in the world.

So what if Butcher sometimes woke up and thought of a blue-eyed man instead of his blue-eyed wife. So what if Butcher had found something to look forward to day-in, day-out. So what. It didn’t fucking matter. There were more important things in the world than his own little happiness. Justice, revenge, resolution. A nice fuck and a little love wasn’t enough.

Butcher drank the rest of his whiskey, feeling the burn in his throat. He held her ring in his hand and promised himself he wouldn’t cry this time.

His phone dinged. A text.

Butcher looked at it.

_ U up? I can bring some pizza if u want _

Butcher ignored it. There were more important things Butcher needed to deal with. Hughie would have to wait.

**Author's Note:**

> 404 words: happiness not found
> 
> this is my last little one-shot fic before my longer fic!!!
> 
> i'm hoping it clocks in around 10,000 words and will probs have less fucking than the usual ones (maybe)


End file.
